We Really Want a Lot More Than Sex

Recently I have come across three different articles, all written by women on ‘how to keep your man’. To my surprise each one of this articles painted a picture that all men really needed to be happy in a relationship was sex. They raised the notion that most women taper the supply of sex until men have to go elsewhere to fulfil their desires. One even went as far as saying that women can try things like changing sex location i.e a bit in the bed room, a bit in the kitchen…you get the drill. Now I won’t say men don’t need sex on a somewhat regular basis, but most mature men will tell you that like everything else sex has its place in our day to day life and an oversupply of it is not going to do you any special favours.

To start with, there is only so many times a man can have sex with the same woman before he becomes used to it and the excitement dies down. This woman can be the Mona Lisa or Beyonce, it doesn’t really matter. If you are hoping to hold a man’s interest you must consider a lot more than his sexual needs. In fact our sexual needs are the easiest to fulfil and let’s be honest, it doesn’t really take a lot to do this. So what do men want I hear you ask?

I cannot give you a golden bullet or a one answer solution because there isnt one. Different men want different things and do not ever let any book or article tell you what men want categorically. Instead of feeding you some recycled lie I would tell you a hard truth. The only way to secure a man’s heart is to make yourself indispensable. If any other woman can supply exactly the same services you are supplying then what makes you special? Contrary to the idea that men are shallow and want to sleep, fuck, and eat in any order, we are actually interested in a lot of things. Some men love football, some love music, some love politics, the list goes on. You only have to examine a male magazine stand to see how wide our interests can be. Instead of investing all your time in sex think about your man’s interests and passions and how you can support and discuss these things with him. Every man is looking for a woman to make him an even better man. Regardless of how good that pussy is (pardon my use of language), without the right personality to compliment it, a man will grow tired and stray.

I will be attempting to write about how to keep a woman interested soon but to be honest I am still trying to figure out that one. Wish you all the best in your dating endeavours 🙂

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Interracial relations…

I am ashamed to admit that pornography was my first exposure to the word interracial. This is particular embarrassing because my great grandparents were of different races, and given that my father is mixed race (with green eyes, lucky git) and my mum is full black, I was born into an interracial home. The reason I never got a grip of the word was simply because I grew up not aware that interracial relationships were enough of an oddity to have its own term. You don’t see people saying they are in a ‘uniracial’ relationship when they are both of the same race? And in my country of birth (Nigeria) tribalism replaces racism so no one really pays any attention to colour.

The question posed by interracial relationship is mainly on how practical and genuine they are. As someone that has never dated a black or mixed race girl long term, I must confess to be curious about how different it is, if it is different at all. Cultural clashes are inevitable in interracial relationships, and black girls have harassed me a few times for dating other races. Even so now again you get the odd ‘aren’t we good enough for you’ stare, the braver ones have said it to my face, and some are cool with it. Of course interracial relationships are not limited to black and white. In fact black and white mixes seem to be the easiest to go down culturally. I have met Indian girls that have been disowned for bringing a black guy home. Orientals and Arabs also have their culture and they stay quite closed. Even some parts of Europe like Greece and Turkey still like to keep it in-house too. As you can see most of the problem highlighted above are with the parents and older generation. Now what about the actual individuals, should interracial relationships be avoided? And are most of the people involved in the right mind frame to make it work?

I will start with the latter of the two questions above. I have ran across a lot of girls that like mixed race boys just because they remind them of JLS (British Boy Band), and I know guys that will chat up a girl just because she is a ‘lighty’ as they say in the UK, or half cast as we say in Nigeria which I found out the hard way was politically incorrect. I also know white girls that want black boys just because they are into black boys and they will go around saying ‘I only ‘do’ black boys’. Guys are just as guilty but I will admit it is rare. We tend to go for anything with humps in the right places. I particularly find it annoying that people will try to make a relationship with a person of a different race with little effort to learn about their culture.

The former of the question asks if interracial relationships should be avoided. I personally believe that love is colour blind but care must be taken ensure there is a foundation of understanding deeper than colour. I am talking about an understanding of culture. Differences must be addressed with maturity if a good co-existence is to be reached.

As always I look forward to your opinion in the comment section. Feel free to run wild.

Labels, Labels, Labels…

Is this a date? Are we a couple? Are you my boyfriend? Am I your girlfriend? What are we? You know the kind of questions I’m talking about. Most of you have either asked some of these questions or answer them. The question I want to ask is why are we so preoccupied with classifications of relations instead of just relating. The truth of the matter is regardless of what a persons tells you what you are to them, it will not change how they decide to treat you. It seems like most of us are brewing with latent insecurities ready to break out any minute which forces us to be in demand of some form of security. But ask yourself this question. Has declaring someone your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even wife or husband ever stopped the relationship from breaking down? In fact you will find that most of the time issues start to come up after whatever you have has been made ‘official’. This is because giving it a label comes with a set of rules and expectations. Before it’s official every act and gesture is voluntary and void of expectations. I don’t have to buy you something on your birthday, unless I want to. I don’t have to take you out for dinner, unless I want to. People appreciate each other a lot more in this phase because they have no expectations. But as soon as it’s official we are expected to do certain things. Expectations lead to let downs, let downs lead to quarrels, quarrels lead to breakups. Giving relationships labels also breeds possessiveness because you feel this is ‘my’ boyfriend or ‘my’ girlfriend and now you start to dictate what is acceptable to you for a partner and so begins the emotional smothering.

Far be it from me to ride in on a high horse as I have once been in the shoes of dictator (not as bad as most), but I suppose the whole point of growing up is learning from mistakes. I have also been burdened with expectations (thanks to the ridiculous high standards I initially set for myself). In an ideal world I would vote for absolute freedom in love but we do not live in an ideal world so I would say until the point of marriage we should learn to give people the freedom to live without expectations. Nothing terrifies me as much as someone saying they can’t live without me. That is just too much pressure. Instead of rushing into relationships hoping that this other person will make us whole, maybe we should consider being whole in ourselves already. In other words if you ever find yourself thinking that you ‘need’ someone, you are doing something wrong. Our parents generation enjoyed a lot more freedom because they didn’t suffer from over communication via cell phones and social media. Besides the moment they shared in person they were free to live their life as they wanted to. I will leave you with a saying from the great philosopher that is Jay-Z:

They say if you love it, you should let it out its cage
And f*ck it, if it comes back you know it’s there to stay

Dress as you wish to be addressed…or not?

I am always nervous when I write any post that might upset some women, but ladies would you rather not know the truth about how guys think rather than some sugar-coated post? Perhaps if we talked more about these thing instead of assuming the opposite sex should just ‘know’ this we might reach a better understanding. In the absence of females (or presence of cool chicks) guys discuss a lot of things most girls would kill us for even thinking of. The state of female fashion without a doubt is one the many topics we discuss. It is a free world (well some parts at least). You have every right to dress as you see fit but ladies you have to be aware that how you appear translates to an impression and more often than not you will be judged to a certain degree. And on this note I will like to highlight that girls do this to each other too but it’s sort of like black people using the N word. We are allowed to use it with each other but God forbid a white person utters it. The only difference is girls will judge other girls based on their own personal standards. In other words the more provocative a girl dresses, the more room she has to tolerate other girls dressing provocatively.

Unfortunately guys can’t really be as provocative as women simply because anatomically we aren’t just as sexy. You won’t really blink twice at a topless man but a woman stepping out of the house in just a bra will cause a bit of a stare. I still don’t understand why bikinis are perfectly fine but bras are off limits. Anyways, not to get off topic, here is the male reasoning behind female fashion choice. The more provocative a girl is dressed, the more tolerating she will be towards sexual advances and this is how we justify it in our heads. Women know men are famous for thinking with our penises or at least on behalf of it. Women also know men are visual creatures (You have Fifty Shades of Grey, we have Pornhub). So clearly if you have your ‘assets’ on display you are sending out a visual signal that you are open for business. No guy stares at a woman’s cleavage and thinks ‘I bet she has an amazing personality’, On the other hand when we spot a woman looking sophisticated or classy we think ‘Hmmm, she isn’t putting out her sexual looks so she wouldn’t be prone to sexual attention’. In the course of my growing up I have learned to dispel this mode of thinking but I have to say it requires effort. One can also argue that dressing provocatively is like an inception of the idea of sex into a guy’s mind. Because that thought has already been slipped into the guy’s mind it directs his actions and the result is a sexual approach.

Ladies I am sure you have your reasons for dressing in see through tops and clothes of that nature. You are welcome to educate us in the comment section. A lady friend of mine once told me dressing provocatively made her feel confident. I told her it sounded like she had confidence issues. It was the last time I shared such an opinion with a female.

Why I am wary of dating tips…

The internet is crawling with tons of dating and relationship tip of all sorts. How to get the right man, How to be the perfect woman for him, Make any girl fall in love, What women want (even God doesn’t know this, little joke for you guys). The list is long and exhaustive. Unsurprisingly these posts seem to attract a lot of views and comments. I would consider writing some to improve my ratings but out of principle I cannot do this and here is the reason. The notion that any one person can tell you how to attract anyone that isn’t the person giving the advice is at best silly in my opinion. How can someone else tell you what to do when you are on a date with me?

I have read posts advising women to always let the guy pay because we feel a sense of pride getting the bill. There are probably some men out there that feel this way but some of us feel differently. Surely if I pay sometimes, you should pay sometimes too. I have to say nothing feels as good as a lady taking me out. When I mean taking me out I mean choosing the place, the activity, setting the time, and picking up the bill. I love an independent woman. This is not to be mistaken for a bossy woman. What is the point of having a society where women work if they don’t get to pay for anything? I also read one saying women should not make themselves too available for dates. Basically, if the man calls for a date on Wednesday, post him till Friday even if you aren’t busy. Are you kidding me! So what happens when this man gets to know you only realizes your life isn’t actually as full as you pretended it was? We have all heard the rules about when to give into sex and not mentioning the C word (children). I think mature adults should know what they want. I have concluded I want three kids because I wouldn’t be caught dead in a people carrier among other reasons and I will tell it to you on the first date if you care to listen. I know guys that have gone to bed with a woman on the first night of meeting them and they are still together with kids. The point I am trying to make is that there is no rules in dating and building relationships. These rules group individuals into statistical averages which negates the whole point of building a personal relationship. My only dating advice is for you to be yourself, if yourself isn’t good enough, then work on yourself.

Mature individuals are perfectly capable of identifying what they want, there is no need for childish games and rule books.

Dating 2.0

It is evident in the divorce rates and even break up rates that relationships are just not what they used to be. Like every other facet of societal interaction the dating and relationship scene has been evolving to adapt to the times. I will break the life cycle of relationships into three parts to enable us get a picture of how much has changed.

Part One (The first encounter)

Imagine being born 20 years ago…no cell phones, no Twitter, no nothing! I guess you could say that was a simpler time. I do wonder how guys closed a chat up. Did they just ask for an address straight up instead of a number?

Asking for an address today will earn you the ‘creep of the year award’. In fact these days guys have to avoid asking for numbers directly by asking for WhatsApp. My friend said a girl offered him a Twitter handle the other day. She didn’t even follow back! Call me old school but for me it’s a number or nothing. Keep your Facebook, you BBM, Kik, and whatever else girls are handing out these days.

Part Two (The meet up)

Guys I know you can relate to this. Has anyone been in that limbo situation where you feel like you are almost dating a girl in the digital sphere? You have spent so long chatting that you are even starting to lose interest. I came up with the theory that most women have an attention tank that constantly needs refilling. My ex-girlfriend was so kind to confirm this by admitting that compliments from other guys were more flattering as she already expected compliments from me and couldn’t tell if I was just doing my job as a boyfriend. I considered telling her sex from other girls felt more gratifying as I expected it from her and wasn’t sure if she was only doing her job. The point I’m trying to make is that women seem to have a couple of attention donors on the go at every given time. My bro tip for this is simple, tell it like it is. ‘Are we meeting up or what? You are killing my battery!’

Part Three (The grind)

So you’ve been on a few dates and it’s on now. Congratulations! The honeymoon phase can be sweet but after that comes the grind. This is the make or break stage and by God will you be put to the test. One of the biggest advantages of the modern world dating arena doubles as it’s biggest disadvantage too. I call this the problem of choice. Not only are we able to retain the links to an uncountable amount of potential partners, we can now browse all sorts of social media and dating sites as well.

The result of this is the inability to settle once the first wave of boredom comes crashing down. Girls are just as bad at this as guys. In fact if your girl is going to leave you, she already has your potential replacement on the line. There is no real cure to this problem. It simply comes down to a compatibility issue. Gone are the days when people ‘managed’ relationships. In this era of fast everything, there is only so much people will try to work out differences. To circumvent this problem I came up with the idea of never committing officially. I found that the moment it is official with a label the count down has already begun. I will discuss this further in another post.

P.S I realize this post reads a bit like it was written for guys. Ladies I owe you one 🙂