How much do you really NOT care?

It is very common these days to see people claim not to care about what other’s think about them. I have to confess I actually care and I think deep down a lot of people do. If not then why are we so bothered with pointless social participation on social networks? Why do we dress to be fashionable when we are afforded the option of comfort? Why do we get fired up when people have clashing opinions to ours if we really don’t care about what they think?

Contrary to the ‘I don’t care’ and ‘fuck the haters’ posts that clog my news feed I think we have never been more self conscious than we are today. I bet everyone knows someone doing the insanity workout and lets not even go into diet pills and plastic surgery. My question is why are we so scared to admit that we seek approval and acceptance? Surely this is a natural condition. We might want to all be unique individuals but no one wants to be an outcast. I’ve had girls say to me that they don’t care what anyone thought of their outfit, the same girls before my very own eyes labeled another girl slutty for dressing how they considered to be inappropriate. I wonder how they would have felt if they were on the other end of this label.

For the most part guys will admit to make an effort to impress women. The rise in small legs syndrome as a result of skipping leg training is evidence in itself why a lot of men pump metal at the gym. The notion of looking good for ones own self sound just vain to me. We might struggle to admit it but the principle reason to look good is to be approved of by others. Why else has Instagram been so successful? I mean what benefit is having someone like a photo of you to your life really? Just Google ‘studies on facebook pictures insecure’ and see the findings on the subject.

Dress how you wish to be addressed

Unfortunately we live in a society where perception is reality as much as we may wish to have it differently. In a conversation with a moderate feminist last weekend we managed to touch on the subject of how women should dress. I particularly try to avoid this topic because I am always worried about being misunderstood. In a free world we must be free to think and dress as we please, but we also have to take into account the consequences of some actions. We might not like to admit it, but our perceptions are constantly being reshaped daily by what we see around us. What I am trying to say is that while you can wear whatever you like, you have to be willing to accommodate assumptions attached to your choice of clothing.

I’m sure some of you have watched those Amazon tribe documentaries where women walk around bare breasted like it is casual. Well, I guess in some societies it is. They are not being labeled as sluts, hoes, or whatever derogatory term men use these days. In most developed or developing societies however, thanks to music videos and other media streams certain attachments come with exposing some skin especially the breasts and buttocks region (did I just write buttocks?). It is my opinion that while a woman is free to dress as she pleases without crossing the line of indecent exposure for the sake of children and the general public, she should also be aware of the perception she may be setting.

It is also worth mentioning that dressing extremely provocatively sends the male thinking down the testosterone route. I mean who looks at a female with half her tits hanging out and thinks ‘I bet she got a good head on her shoulders’. I will like to add that this is NOT an endorsement of rape and other blatantly anti-social and criminal behavior on the grounds that a female was showing too much skin. Men can think what we want to about the skimpiest outfit but it doesn’t justify grabbing a female’s bum without her permission. Display is no invitation.

P.S Why is it okay for women to pinch a guy’s ass but the other way round is a social crime….think about it.

Too much religion, too little spirituality

The other day I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine. It was a Sunday, and naturally she asked if I had done much with my day. I told her I hadn’t even stepped out the house and then came the second question. She now wanted to know if I went to a church service. I told her I didn’t and that was were our argument started. She said she would only marry a God fearing man and I asked her what that had to do with attendance in church.

Nigeria is an overly religious nation and if I dare say it, this is one of the biggest issues we face as far as social progression is concerned. Can you believe that on a road in Benin City I was able to count 16 churches in 1km. That is to say Usain Bolts would run past 16 churches in under two minutes in this city. But for all this presence of God in Benin there are very few cities in Nigeria as dangerous as this one. If we cannot accept anything else, let us at least accept that the current religious scene in Nigeria is marked with hypocrisy. How do we explain being one of the most religious countries in the world and also one of the most corrupt? An oxymoron if I ever saw one.

I have no problem with people believing whatever it is that soothes their soul, but when ideas drawn from these belief systems start to affect others then it become a problem. I will give an example. Earlier this year a law was passed to send homosexuals in Nigeria to prison for 14 years. Sadly, as I expected this was greeted with cheers by Nigerians on the premise that it was termed an abomination in the bible. This is the questions I pose to these so called Christians: What would Jesus do? Is the fundamental philosophy of being a Christian not being Christ-like? I cannot tell you for certain what Jesus would have done, but I am certain he wouldn’t lock anyone up for 14years. That in itself is immoral and if you support such measure of marginalisation then you are part of the Nigerian problem.

And when did religious grounds become valid for law making in a secular state? We were all up in arms with Yerima’s insinuation of child marriage on religious grounds, but when it suited our agendas we were all happy to accept religion as grounding for law making. And why stop at anti-gay laws, how about anti-adultery laws, laws against fornication,….did you know that the bible also regards eating shrimp to be an abomination in Leviticus! Where are the state laws to regulate these sins, or have we decided to pick and choose because it is easy to accept restrictions that do not restrict us. If you are a man and have watched girl-on-girl porn then you aren’t even qualified to have a negative opinion on homosexuality. For as long as religion has existed men have bent and twisted it to suit our needs and that is all that is happening in Nigeria today. I will stop here before I go into essay mode and rant on, but you can expect more posts of this nature. We need to drop this religious charade and get into the habit of learning to respect others even if we have clashing spiritual ideologies. It is almost as if the average Nigerian cannot comprehend that someone else can have a different idea of life to theirs, like we have some sort of monopoly of the truth.

53 years later…

I am no Nigeria historian or anthropologist but I don’t think it takes either to understand the Nigerian problem. It’s been 53 years and we still suffer from side-effects of colonialism as the world merges into a global village. Today Nigerians all over the world would be partying to mark he birth of our nation, but this is my question…what exactly are we celebrating? Surely this would be a good time to sit and reflect on our journey so far and the prospective future. With out constant reflection and evaluation how can we improve? Or is the idea of a better Nigeria merely a fantasy we delude ourselves with while carrying on with business as usual. I will spend this month writing on social issues in Nigeria and I would very much like fellow Nigerians and foreigners alike to engage in these discussions. As you can expect the content of some of these post will be sensitive, I ask that all arguments are brought forward with respect of each other’s opinions in the absence of foul language or other derogatory remarks. I look forward to hearing from you all.

We Really Want a Lot More Than Sex

Recently I have come across three different articles, all written by women on ‘how to keep your man’. To my surprise each one of this articles painted a picture that all men really needed to be happy in a relationship was sex. They raised the notion that most women taper the supply of sex until men have to go elsewhere to fulfil their desires. One even went as far as saying that women can try things like changing sex location i.e a bit in the bed room, a bit in the kitchen…you get the drill. Now I won’t say men don’t need sex on a somewhat regular basis, but most mature men will tell you that like everything else sex has its place in our day to day life and an oversupply of it is not going to do you any special favours.

To start with, there is only so many times a man can have sex with the same woman before he becomes used to it and the excitement dies down. This woman can be the Mona Lisa or Beyonce, it doesn’t really matter. If you are hoping to hold a man’s interest you must consider a lot more than his sexual needs. In fact our sexual needs are the easiest to fulfil and let’s be honest, it doesn’t really take a lot to do this. So what do men want I hear you ask?

I cannot give you a golden bullet or a one answer solution because there isnt one. Different men want different things and do not ever let any book or article tell you what men want categorically. Instead of feeding you some recycled lie I would tell you a hard truth. The only way to secure a man’s heart is to make yourself indispensable. If any other woman can supply exactly the same services you are supplying then what makes you special? Contrary to the idea that men are shallow and want to sleep, fuck, and eat in any order, we are actually interested in a lot of things. Some men love football, some love music, some love politics, the list goes on. You only have to examine a male magazine stand to see how wide our interests can be. Instead of investing all your time in sex think about your man’s interests and passions and how you can support and discuss these things with him. Every man is looking for a woman to make him an even better man. Regardless of how good that pussy is (pardon my use of language), without the right personality to compliment it, a man will grow tired and stray.

I will be attempting to write about how to keep a woman interested soon but to be honest I am still trying to figure out that one. Wish you all the best in your dating endeavours 🙂

Where do you stand on cheating?

Most of us will go through a cheating in one form or the other at some point in our lives. You may be a cheat or you may be cheated on, the only question is what are your opinions on cheating? For most guys this seems to be a no-brainer. Thanks to our ego and constant need to be viewed as adequate we are far less likely to put up with any form of cheating but ladies seem to tell another story. I have met some women very hot on this matter. In their opinion there is never an excuse or reason to cheat. If you cheat, you’re out and would be lucky to leave with both testicles and your car intact. Some other women on the flip side leave their partners with some room to wriggle. I have met ladies that are willing to discuss issues that lead up to the man cheating and if they feel they somehow contributed to the issues, they will forgive him and try to work it out.

While I will not endorse cheating as an alternative to problems in your relationship, I wouldn’t be naïve enough to say to you that it isn’t a common happening on every level of relationships. Personally, I believe in line with 21^st century thinking considering to scrap a relationship over one count of cheating might have you switching partners more often than you would like to. The expansion of choice we have when it comes to partners can easily act as a catalyst to cheating once some form of discontent sets in while we are married or dating.

I know a lot of people are going to push for the moral high ground and say if a person wants to play about so bad then they should break up. But that isn’t really the case is it? Most people that cheat due to emotional starvation or just boredom in their relationships do not necessarily want to cheat but circumstances can be arm twisting. Most females I know have confessed to speaking with potential dates before they breakup with their current partner which goes to show once discontent sets in we a porous to bending rules to soothe ourselves. From my own experience I also find it is easier to cheat with a girl in a long term relationship than one still enjoying the bliss of the first year period. I will write about reasons the ‘spark’ seems to die out in another post but for now I will like to know what you think about fidelity. Is there ever a reason to forgive cheating or do all cheats belong in the trash?

Home Bittersweet Home

I am no sociologist but I don’t think you have to be one to recognize where human potential has not been tapped. Nigeria is populated with over 140million people of which 68% live in poverty. Thanks to poor governance we have developed an oligarchy where nepotism is more or less the only way to be a part of the ruling class and this spreads even into obtaining a job. It is no news that Nigeria is rich with oil, blessed with good weather (can be a bit too hot), manpower (can’t wait for the politically correct version of this word), fertile soil, and a bunch of other naturally good stuff. So why have we developed a system with a middle and upper class supported by a sea of extreme lower class?

I was startled to see a few men in office get picked up by the airport with more or less ten cars in a convoy (each of course). Not only does our government spend recklessly but most of what should be national funds are treated as private profits leaving behind a trail of underdevelopment in a fast developing world. While I can sit down in the comfort of an air conditioned room to think over this issue the average Nigerian is too busy thinking about basic survival to care about socio-political matters. Lack of good education and promotion of distractions like over-religiousness and political rhetoric played in the media has worsened the situation leaving any hope for change in the hands of the middle and upper-class. If history is anything to go by then we know a man on a full stomach is not prepared to revolt for any cause of an economic nature.

I might have been away for eight years but fundamentally nothing has changed. There has been some development but this must not be confused with progress. I will be doing more writings of  a socio-political and economic nature. There is much to write about the effects of tribal differences, possibilities of revolutions, and debates on democracy. I have to say I do enjoy knowing that there is much to be done here and I definitely hope to be as much a ‘doer’ as I am a ‘sayer’. Stay tuned for more.

That’s just the way it is :)

Anatole France put it best: ‘All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.’. Only 24hrs before I return to my home country I can’t help but wallow in thoughts of closing yet another chapter to my life. Unlike any other chapter, I am finally close to 25 which marks the typical age for a good 21st century quarter life crisis. I cannot speak for everyone in my generations but most people I have discussed this matter with seem to share a certain sense of apprehension. Changes are inevitable in life but somehow we manage to form the habit of putting on resistance even though we know all this will cause us is pain.

A long time ago I came up with the idea that everyone existed with a steady mental state which comprised of certain emotional cycles played on repeat. This is why some people have to constantly be in fights in the course of a relationship but refuse to break up, or some people cannot stand being single for too long. Once we get used to a routine it is easy to swing into autopilot and essentially put our life on pause by repeating the same actions week after week. However, once in a while life decides you are overdue a change of scenery and in throws the wrench of time into your clockwork way of life.

I have had a brilliant life in the United Kingdom. I have friends here I will never forget, heartbreaks I will tell my kids about, and what if’s that might remain forever unanswered. In my time here this place has become a home away from home and for that I will miss it dearly. But instead of drowning in thoughts of all that I will miss, I have told myself to welcome the changes ahead to ease the pain. I look forward to experiencing my home country as an adult and setting out on all kinds of crazy adventures. As a writer I have often thought about my own life in a book. Each time I slip into one of these pitfalls of depression I stop to remind myself the book isn’t going to write itself and rereading the past chapters only takes away the time that should be used in writing the new.

Have you had to deal with any big changes recently? Breakup? City move? Graduated? etc, feel free to share your experience and  how you coped with it below.

No room for a home marker?

While I have always been an admirer of ambitious women I have also always been an advocate for freedom of choice. For the longest time I have been of the opinion that for a home to be run successfully, at least one of the partners involved has to be more domesticated. When I say domesticated in this instance I mean one of the two has to be concentrated more on the running of the house if they want to create time for the children and even for each other.

Traditionally, the role of home maker used to be that of a woman, but women have come a long way from that and I will not insult their struggle by suggesting that we go back to that. This is what I would suggest instead. I find that in most relationships there is already someone more suited to be the home maker and both already know this. If your mind has already nominated a woman to fill this position it’s not my fault that stereotype exists. I believe the more domesticated partner can be the man or the woman but that isn’t what makes us so nervous about playing the role of home maker.

For most men we have the egocentric thinking that tells us it is emasculating to take on such a role and there is also the problem of how women perceive men. I will venture into the land of assumptions and claim that most women are predisposed to being attracted by a financially successful man. This is not to be mistaken for gold digging! Being able to provide has long been an evolutionary advantage for men and that mentality still lives on. Women on the other hand face what I have now termed the ‘feminist stigma’. No man I know of has ever shown distaste over a woman deciding to get a job that afforded her more time at home (if the husband can afford it we don’t even mind full time housewives). Women on the other hand with the new ‘do you think I belong in the kitchen’ attitude have taken to talk down on other females that might have decided to become home markers.

Bit of funky grammar going on here…

It seems like in a world that demands more and more of our time, instead of running the family unit like a single household we have adopted an independent lifestyle over a cooperative one. Maybe it is time to start thinking about how we view relationship dynamics and how we think of the role of the home maker. Running a home is no easy task and sometimes could be the difference between a lasting relationship and a broken one.

Romance…hmmm

For as long as I can remember I have always had somewhat of a romantic nature. I actually used to compose love letters for a fee or sometimes free in my secondary school days. I find this particularly ironic because face to face I was terrified of speaking to girls, but this post isn’t about how I stopped be a wimp so I will avoid digressing.

These days, thanks to a few heartbreaks, I have adopted a rather cynical view on romance and pretty much everything in life really. I do not like any form of public display of affection but maybe I’m just getting old. In general I have come to find that a certain degree of romance is expected of men and once you begin to play the role of Romeo, you are stuck with that character forever and the expectations that come with it.

While being romantic might seem like a natural trait humans have evolved with it is actually a societal condition encouraged mostly by what we see on TV. Unfortunately television has never been a tool for reflection of reality and so mainstream romance cannot be real. In my opinion the only real romance is that which isn’t forced or expected so if you are not inspired to perform a romantic gesture, let it be. Ladies you must be aware of the romantic façades we can put up, don’t fall for it. It almost seems like romance which should be the icing on the cake has now replaced the cake itself. Then after the honeymoon period is over and romance begin to fade we realize that as companions we couldn’t be more ill suited to the person we are with and so the cookie crumbles.

Just as so many relationship experts advice that sexual contact should be avoided at the start of a relationship until good companionship is established, I advice the same but of romantic gestures. Happy dating!