Dress how you wish to be addressed

Unfortunately we live in a society where perception is reality as much as we may wish to have it differently. In a conversation with a moderate feminist last weekend we managed to touch on the subject of how women should dress. I particularly try to avoid this topic because I am always worried about being misunderstood. In a free world we must be free to think and dress as we please, but we also have to take into account the consequences of some actions. We might not like to admit it, but our perceptions are constantly being reshaped daily by what we see around us. What I am trying to say is that while you can wear whatever you like, you have to be willing to accommodate assumptions attached to your choice of clothing.

I’m sure some of you have watched those Amazon tribe documentaries where women walk around bare breasted like it is casual. Well, I guess in some societies it is. They are not being labeled as sluts, hoes, or whatever derogatory term men use these days. In most developed or developing societies however, thanks to music videos and other media streams certain attachments come with exposing some skin especially the breasts and buttocks region (did I just write buttocks?). It is my opinion that while a woman is free to dress as she pleases without crossing the line of indecent exposure for the sake of children and the general public, she should also be aware of the perception she may be setting.

It is also worth mentioning that dressing extremely provocatively sends the male thinking down the testosterone route. I mean who looks at a female with half her tits hanging out and thinks ‘I bet she got a good head on her shoulders’. I will like to add that this is NOT an endorsement of rape and other blatantly anti-social and criminal behavior on the grounds that a female was showing too much skin. Men can think what we want to about the skimpiest outfit but it doesn’t justify grabbing a female’s bum without her permission. Display is no invitation.

P.S Why is it okay for women to pinch a guy’s ass but the other way round is a social crime….think about it.

Toying with sex…

Don’t ask what led to this, but basically I went from discussing the possibility of a future where robots were integrated into society to how they might replace spouses. There are already people married to dolls and even pillows in Japan. The obvious question was would we eventually start sleeping with machines…ermm we kind of already do (vibrators and all that stuff). But I’m not trying to write a post about sex toys, instead I’m trying to ask why is it that the use of sex toys is socially accepted for women but not so much for men?

Women talk to each other about their latest purchases and there is no real awkwardness in discovering a sex toy in a female’s room. For men on the other hand, your hand is as much a helper as you are allowed. Just imagine walking into a guy’s room to discover this:

Given that men are generally assumed to be the hornier of the gender you would think the shop floors of sex shops would be littered with toys intended for male sexual gratification but this is far from the case. I have two theories to support the phenomenon but I am curios to what everyone else thinks. Firstly, I propose that maybe because it is too easy for men to ‘arrive’ there is really no need for us to invest in extras. While this explains why very little research and development has gone into producing male sex toys, it doesn’t explain why it is hasn’t been normalized in society for men to use sex toys for self-pleasure (I am cringing writing a lot of these phrases, such a prude). Regarding the social stigmatization of men using toys for masturbation I am guessing it arises of the egocentric thought process of men in regards to sex. Because we praise our ability to be promiscuous we regard using such toys as a sign that the guy is ‘not getting enough’ because his game is weak. Women on the other hand are free from this conception, at least to a degree enough to make it acceptable for them to substitute with mechanical assistants. Any thoughts?

Objectification of women (gift or curse)

Got your attention didn’t it?

The issue of the objectification of women in the media and society is probably one of the most controversial social issues of our time (not really). Sex sells and women are the more sexy of the gender so as you would expect capitalists have done what they have to do to make the profits stretch. It is almost impossible to go through a whole day without seeing some form of female objectification. Some are done tastefully, some funny (Lynx adverts), some outright derogatory (see most hip-hop videos). So is this a gift or a curse? And how is the way women are portrayed in the media affect both the way men perceive women and how women perceive themselves?

It might seem like the highly sought after ‘fat free’ hourglass shape represents an empirical formula for female beauty, but this hasn’t always been the case, and in some parts of the world it still isn’t. A quick look into history will show you that in the past women were expected to have a bit of meat on them, and the paler you were, the more attractive you seemed. I don’t need to stress how much money businesses are making of fake tan and sunbeds. Ironically in Africa women take to bleaching their skin to look lighter. I guess we are all aiming for a shade of caramel. I heard the pale skin represented wealth because it meant you didn’t work in the fields, and the weight represented the same as it meant you had enough to eat. Today the tan shows wealth because you can afford a holiday and the weight loss shows you hit the gym (wealth and fitness).

I have met a lot of ladies with real issues as regards to the media standard of beauty, but I have even met more trying to conform to it by working their ass of in the gym (pun not intended). I personally believe in the idea that the standard of beauty is determined by the society and the time in question. The media only reflects the ideas we already have in our minds but then reinforces it. But maybe I might be wrong and already brainwashed by years of exposure to MTV (when they did show music videos). The second question is do you think the current depiction of women in the media has forced insecurities on ladies today and influenced men to respect them less. While I cannot answer the former (as I am a man), I will say the latter has an element of truth to it. When a girl comes across looking like one of the objectified women we see on TV, men do have the habit of objectifying them. Can this be in anyway seen as empowerment as I have heard some girls argue, or is it downright disrespectful? Famous women all over the world have sexualized themselves to get ahead and while sexual harassment remains an issue at work women still maintain wearing pencil skirts and tight fitting blouses.

P.S A woman dressed provocatively is NOT an invitation for harassment. But all things taken into account I think we can all agree it increases the chances of that happening.

Whose fault is it anyway?

I managed to catch a clip of the now famous Game of Thrones where one of the slave girls was teaching the Khaleesi how to erm…you know..’do the do’. When Drogo came into the tent for his fix she was shown to take some control and as they say, the rest is history. This got me thinking, ‘why is it that the performance of sex sessions seem to rest a lot on the man in society’. You hear about ‘one minute men’, ‘small d*ck syndrome’, a lot of women say the man wasn’t manly enough or ‘didn’t seem to know what he was doing’. For men the most I’ve heard a guy complain about is that the girl laid there like a log. I’ve never even heard a guy complain of ‘loose puss syndrome’ besides a friend of mine that for reasons beyond me got with a 40-something year old woman in an alleyway. He described the experience as throwing a sausage into a tunnel. Anyways, not to go off topic: Is it possible that a lack of responsibility on sexual performance has limited the way women think of sex?

What a title! Ladies what are you reading?

Even so, now and again you run into a guy with positive reviews saying ‘Bro, this chick banged the shit out of me’ and pretty much every guy reading this will know it is rare to find a woman that knows how to give a good blow job. I am not saying some guys aren’t just as terrible, I’m only saying we need to split the responsibility a bit more evenly between the sexes. So ladies next time you find yourself saying you had a bad time in bed ask yourself ‘what did I do to make this better?’. Some guys will be bad and there is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching or yelling out instructions. ‘Harder, harder, faster, faster, just there…etc’. From the sales of books like Fifty Shades of Grey and all the Mills and Boon books it is obvious to see women think about sex a lot. It is about time to take more responsibility for your orgasms and stop depending on men. Dicks are available for free everywhere but women have to invest in batteries, dildos, vibrators and whatnot to stay satisfied.

This can’t be real LMAO

Women’s bodies are different from men’s bodies. For this reason women and men enjoy sex differently and at different paces so to speak. If sex is about feeling pleasure, each individual is responsible for knowing themselves and their partner. That is to say the primary responsibility for satisfaction rests on each individual seeking it. For women communication to the man is important as it takes them longer on average to reach satisfaction. If the communication is not fun and clear, do not bother getting upset when he leaves you behind, so to speak, to finish on your own. Guys might try positions that takes them longer to finish to buy her some time. If a woman or man is incompatible at the extent of your abilities to keep up, consider the importance of sex in your relationship and contemplate trying to find a more biophysically compatible partner if need be.


Define Cheating?

Depending on who you ask, cheating comes in different shapes and forms and what one person might consider cheating another might consider innocent flirtation. Physical cheating is probably the most obvious form of cheating closely followed by emotional. They also happen to be the two easiest to detect. Digital cheating on the other hand, now that is when things get complicated. Webcam sex, sexting, BBM ‘fun’, e-mails, Facebook undercover games, the list goes on. Now what compounds this problem is not just the different strains but the difficulty in categorizing what constitutes of cheating in 2013.

I know a friend who says a girl in a relationship smiling at another guy without her man’s consent is cheating. And I know a girl that almost broke up with her boyfriend for getting off while watching porn. The question I wanted to ask her was if it would have made any difference if he jacked off without porn. The point is there is no real definition of what cheating is therefore cheating is relative. I have seen people say without any physical contact it isn’t cheating, but I wonder what they would do if they caught their partner swapping graphic pictures or engaging in a string of sexual messages. I have even heard that if you don’t get caught it isn’t cheating (I think this one is just a saying).

The question I put to you here is where do we draw the line? Is a girl in a relationship allowed to take a drink from a stranger in a nightclub and is a guy in a relationship allowed to offer drinks? Is flirting cheating? Dancing (daggering)?, cyber naughtiness? The list goes on. What do you think.

In my own humble opinion I believe that any act that could be sexually suggestive is cheating. That can be a grey definition because a guy can claim to offer a drink without wanting anything in return and a girl can claim to accept a drink just because it was offered. What are your thoughts.

Interracial relations…

I am ashamed to admit that pornography was my first exposure to the word interracial. This is particular embarrassing because my great grandparents were of different races, and given that my father is mixed race (with green eyes, lucky git) and my mum is full black, I was born into an interracial home. The reason I never got a grip of the word was simply because I grew up not aware that interracial relationships were enough of an oddity to have its own term. You don’t see people saying they are in a ‘uniracial’ relationship when they are both of the same race? And in my country of birth (Nigeria) tribalism replaces racism so no one really pays any attention to colour.

The question posed by interracial relationship is mainly on how practical and genuine they are. As someone that has never dated a black or mixed race girl long term, I must confess to be curious about how different it is, if it is different at all. Cultural clashes are inevitable in interracial relationships, and black girls have harassed me a few times for dating other races. Even so now again you get the odd ‘aren’t we good enough for you’ stare, the braver ones have said it to my face, and some are cool with it. Of course interracial relationships are not limited to black and white. In fact black and white mixes seem to be the easiest to go down culturally. I have met Indian girls that have been disowned for bringing a black guy home. Orientals and Arabs also have their culture and they stay quite closed. Even some parts of Europe like Greece and Turkey still like to keep it in-house too. As you can see most of the problem highlighted above are with the parents and older generation. Now what about the actual individuals, should interracial relationships be avoided? And are most of the people involved in the right mind frame to make it work?

I will start with the latter of the two questions above. I have ran across a lot of girls that like mixed race boys just because they remind them of JLS (British Boy Band), and I know guys that will chat up a girl just because she is a ‘lighty’ as they say in the UK, or half cast as we say in Nigeria which I found out the hard way was politically incorrect. I also know white girls that want black boys just because they are into black boys and they will go around saying ‘I only ‘do’ black boys’. Guys are just as guilty but I will admit it is rare. We tend to go for anything with humps in the right places. I particularly find it annoying that people will try to make a relationship with a person of a different race with little effort to learn about their culture.

The former of the question asks if interracial relationships should be avoided. I personally believe that love is colour blind but care must be taken ensure there is a foundation of understanding deeper than colour. I am talking about an understanding of culture. Differences must be addressed with maturity if a good co-existence is to be reached.

As always I look forward to your opinion in the comment section. Feel free to run wild.

Labels, Labels, Labels…

Is this a date? Are we a couple? Are you my boyfriend? Am I your girlfriend? What are we? You know the kind of questions I’m talking about. Most of you have either asked some of these questions or answer them. The question I want to ask is why are we so preoccupied with classifications of relations instead of just relating. The truth of the matter is regardless of what a persons tells you what you are to them, it will not change how they decide to treat you. It seems like most of us are brewing with latent insecurities ready to break out any minute which forces us to be in demand of some form of security. But ask yourself this question. Has declaring someone your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even wife or husband ever stopped the relationship from breaking down? In fact you will find that most of the time issues start to come up after whatever you have has been made ‘official’. This is because giving it a label comes with a set of rules and expectations. Before it’s official every act and gesture is voluntary and void of expectations. I don’t have to buy you something on your birthday, unless I want to. I don’t have to take you out for dinner, unless I want to. People appreciate each other a lot more in this phase because they have no expectations. But as soon as it’s official we are expected to do certain things. Expectations lead to let downs, let downs lead to quarrels, quarrels lead to breakups. Giving relationships labels also breeds possessiveness because you feel this is ‘my’ boyfriend or ‘my’ girlfriend and now you start to dictate what is acceptable to you for a partner and so begins the emotional smothering.

Far be it from me to ride in on a high horse as I have once been in the shoes of dictator (not as bad as most), but I suppose the whole point of growing up is learning from mistakes. I have also been burdened with expectations (thanks to the ridiculous high standards I initially set for myself). In an ideal world I would vote for absolute freedom in love but we do not live in an ideal world so I would say until the point of marriage we should learn to give people the freedom to live without expectations. Nothing terrifies me as much as someone saying they can’t live without me. That is just too much pressure. Instead of rushing into relationships hoping that this other person will make us whole, maybe we should consider being whole in ourselves already. In other words if you ever find yourself thinking that you ‘need’ someone, you are doing something wrong. Our parents generation enjoyed a lot more freedom because they didn’t suffer from over communication via cell phones and social media. Besides the moment they shared in person they were free to live their life as they wanted to. I will leave you with a saying from the great philosopher that is Jay-Z:

They say if you love it, you should let it out its cage
And f*ck it, if it comes back you know it’s there to stay